What you get once you walk in is a large room separated into two distinct sections.  On your right is a largish sports bar complete with bar stools and several big screens.  As you move to the left you’ll see a smart looking yet unremarkable restaurant setting which hosts pleasant looking crisp white tablecloths and large semi frosted windows looking onto the relatively dour looking Great Titchfield Street.  Not the grandest of sights but i’ll not knock them for the vista as I’ve had killer curries served in the shittiest of dumps.  A combination not akin to shagging whichever large breasted page 3 girl is taking your fancy at the time in an unpleasantly fragrant public toilet.  You’re not really going to complain are you but still….

Luckily for Chutney & Lager I’ve been in here several times now and had started writing this review after my first visit a while back.  It wouldn’t have quite stirred the anger bubbles forever coursing my veins in a dormant rage like Connoisseurs had because at least they had put in effort and initiative here, but it certainly wouldn’t have been pretty.  If you would care to check out other reviews of this place online, two things are immediately apparent:  Some people know absolutely fuck all about Indian food and can’t spell (why anyone would choose to comment on any website with a laughable command of the English language is way beyond my feeble mind.  It’s like speaking to an adult in a nappy – fine if you’ve paid for it but otherwise a depressing experience), and some of these people must have a vested interest in Chutney & Lager because the food here is mostly shit.  As things stand right now I can say that with hand on heart.   However, the saving grace here is the bar.  Again not the best but name me one other bar in London where you can grab a beer, watch cricket on big screens and have free poppadoms placed in front of you while you discuss just how much you hate Graeme Smith.  There’s thin competition.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – In the bar they’re free which is just about right as they are drenched in oil and unremarkable.   Unbelievably, in the restaurant you actually have to pay for them.  The pickles and chutneys seemed to me to be made from a long treasured and reverently handed down grandmothers recipe, none of this crap from a jar for these guys.  However, this grandma was retarded and should have been kept in a cage somewhere in Uttar Pradesh.  No good.

Beers – Seeing as this is a bar as well as a restaurant you have a good stock of draught lagers although sadly Cobra isn’t one of them.  Present in bottle form though so all is not lost

Sides – One of the highlights here.  I haven’t dipped into too many but the pakora goes down a treat with a few beers.  Huge portions too.

Curries – If I didn’t know any better I would think this place was owned by Kerry Katona because it certainly seems like someone has been to Iceland.  I’m not sure if that would be a bad thing actually as seeing a pissed up northern tart making a nob of herself is a decent notch on your bedpost for any messy evening.   To put it in simpler terms, the food here is really really poor.  If I was feeling a little more verbal I’d tell you how insipid the curries were in glorious technicolour.  However I’m not so you’ll have to settle for this:  Their curries taste of what I imagine cocks to taste like.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – These guys were probably plucked from an Indian YTS scheme.  No good although when working with a supremely ordinary chef it’s not really fair to blame them for the huge mess.  Maybe I’m being unfair.  He certainly carried our plates to us without spilling anything.  Best I can say under the circumstances

Face Towels – None.  I’m depressed even writing this.  Mind you seeing as the curries were milder than a threesome with 2 accountants it hardly matters

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – *Sob*.  I need a hug.  Hold me….

Price – Way way too expensive for what you get.  This place looks so inviting once you’re in but offers so little.  An Indian Venus Fly Trap if you like.  An uninspiring bowl of mini poppadoms, 2 pints of Kingfisher, 1 excellent pakora, 2 of the most average curries you will ever taste and 2 pilau rice comes in somewhere around £50.  On reflection I’d rather buy 30 copies of The Big Issue and tip the vendor a fiver.

Final Score – 6 out of 10.  Mainly for the promise and the brave innovation.  You’d be way better off having a few beers here and then heading a few yards up the road to Shikara.  At least that way you’ll not want to fight a copper come 11pm.

One Sentence Summary – Great bar, shit food, must do better.

You can’t really see it from this picture but on the receipt it stated the waiters name as Darren.  Not a chance.  Far more a Dinesh than a Darren.  Which is obviously a good thing…

This is yet another curry house that I have visited in Great Queen Street.  Tandoori Nights being the other I have recently visited and much like Tandoori Nights,  Bhatti offers a good clean looking establishment with very little embellishment elsewhere.  On first glance, this is my kind of place.

As seems the case at lunchtimes, this curry house was empty.  As ingrained as curry is to the people of this island, it is generally conceived as an evening meal.  I’ll be honest and say that my opinion was the same up until I started this one man reviewfest of mine.  You just have to change the way you approach your curry and everything suddenly falls into place.  Don’t go mental with the beers and don’t expect to have the same kind of experience you would on a Friday night after getting hammered for the past 4 hours.  This is altogether more civilized.

I have one gripe though that makes me believe this blog serves a greater purpose.  Check out supposed reader reviews for this restaurant on the internet and you will find alternating 10 out of 10 and 0 out of 10 reviews.  I smell a rat.  A curried rat owned by the proprietor of Bhatti.  I shall pin my cape on and give an honest assessment

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Fresh crispy poppadoms start the whole show off on the right note.  Three pickles instead of the customary four was a disappointment though especially considering it was the mixed pickle that was missing.

Beers – Cobra 660ml.  Nice and cold.  The simplest of hurdles has been traversed.

Sides – We had the Sag Aloo as we weren’t feeling too adventurous.  Not too shabby in all fairness

Curries – The menu was rather archaic and for once I was looking for something different.  I can’t really complain as I am a caveman where nu curry is concerned.  I had the Methi Gohst which was good but nothing more than that.  Meh.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Middle of the road.  The nanny state  strikes again.  If I want it hot and ask for it hot I want my mouth to feel like post bomb Nagasaki.  Incidentally, that is why the towels in curry houses are so important for all those who have asked why I have a seemingly severe obsession with them.

Face Towels – Nothing.  Exactly the same amount of compassion as I had for this place after realising we weren’t getting any.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – If “Darren” had showed me the pimples on his arse as I tucked into my curry I would have been less offended than I was at the chocolate no show. Well, maybe…

Price -2 cobra 660ml, 4 poppadoms, 2 curries, 2 pilau rice and I side dish came in at £48.  Again, a little too much for what we got but not enough to get really enraged.

Final Score – 7 out of 10.  Middle of the road stuff here.  I would come back if all the other curry houses in the vicinity were closed.  I’m not being unfairly harsh here either

One Sentence Summary – Food is ok although this whole place has the overall feeling of a dentists waiting room that serve Cobra.

Notice the glances I got while taking this picture.  Who takes pictures of a curry house?  I do my friends, I do.

Finding a new curry house in an area you haven’t previously plundered is a tough yet exciting prospect.  As I’ve said before on this blog, there isn’t another online resource for this kind of thing.  Sure there are websites rating premises but they are all too sycophantic for me. I’ve yet to see a decent blog telling you that a specific curry house is shit and their overall efforts are lazy.  They don’t go into detail with the important things.  Rest assured that I do.

One of my original goals with this blog were to eventually get some kind of freebies from my favourite curry houses.  I wanted the proprietor to see me coming, shit himself slightly and then boot out whoever was sitting in their most choice seats and seat me with almost imperceptible deference like a curried version of Don Corleone in The Godfather.

Proprietor: *Cultured Indian accent and looking visibly apprehensive and anxious* “Oh Don Curried Jesus, you do me a great honour by visiting my humble establishment.  Thank you so much for gracing us all with your presence.  Tonight, your curry is on the house”

Me: *Slightly muffled Marlon Brando accent and looking completely magnanimous and in full yet effortless control* “Your curries are excellent.   I’m sure you wouldn’t want to disappoint me with a half hearted Dopiaza would you Mr Prabhakar?”

You get the picture.  Here is another first for you where Cinnamon Spice is concerned.  It is the first curry house that I have received freebies from as a direct result of this blog.  What a superb result!  After only a couple of months effort as well.  As we were being seated, my regular partner in curry made a soft and casual mention to the waiter that I wrote a blog rating curry houses.  I gave a dismissive wave of my hand and ordered the ever present Cobras and poppadoms before I was perfectly settled.  All in all we received extra poppadoms, an extra side dish and brandies all round after the meal was completed.  All as a freebie and as you can imagine, I was chuffed.  I will say this though to keep you all calm.  Regardless of the amount of free stuff I receive from a curry house, if it is shit I will tell you all about it.  No holds barred.  In fact, the only people I will tell this to before all of you will be the waiter.  Obviously, this will happen after we have received all of our food because you never know.  Imagine what the thick fragrant sauce of a decent Jalfrezi could mask the flavour of?

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – The poppadoms were light and fresh and crispy.  The pickles were different to the usual offerings.  We had a nice sweet fruity pickle although it was a little runny for my taste.  The minty raita was lovely as well and it definitely seemed homemade to me.   Marvellous.  A rather original garlic chutney was refreshing as well.

Beers – Cobra 660ml.  Ice cold.  Brilliant.

Sides – We had the Sag Aloo which was excellent and another great vegetable side dish that I didn’t catch the name of but it was immensely tasty.  Not much help I know.  Apologies

Curries – Top notch.  We had two other guests with us and all four of us agreed that Cinnamon Spice does it very well.  I chose the Gosht Kalia. A new choice for me and I wasn’t disappointed as it really was fantastic.  A deep heat coupled with some really excellent spicing made that a new instant favourite for me.  Really good.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Cinnamon Spice scores an easy 10 out of 10 here.  When they say they will make it hot, expect pain tomorrow morning.  In fact, as soon as you decide to come to eat here, call your girlfriend or wife and ask them to place a couple of rolls of toilet paper in the freezer right now.  They will need to be cold and if you get ice burn be thankful.  The alternative is too traumatic to fully comprehend.  Ladies won’t need to do this as they shit strawberries.  Or so I am told.

Face Towels – Disappointing to say the least.  Their only apparent downfall.  Pre packed shittily infused face towels.  Such a shame as a fresh cotton face towel would have left me feeling so much better.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – I have a confession to make.  I came here a few weeks ago now and have completely forgotten their offering here.  I have vague recollections of after eights.  Probably best for them that my memory is so hazy.

Price – Approximately £28 a head to eat very well.  A little pricey for an average visit maybe but I can guarantee you that the food is defintely worth that little extra expense.  I have absolutely no arguments.

Final Score – 8.9 out of 10.  During the meal we had discussions as to whether Cinnamon Spice might be the first curry house to achieve a perfect 10.  I laughed at the suggestion and simply had to mention the name of Gaylord before they all piped down.  This place has undoubtedly great curries but displays none of the magic on offer that my favourite curry house so far has in marked abundance.  No great shame for Cinnamon Spice either.  It’s like coming second in an arm wrestle with God himself.  No shame at all.

One Sentence Summary – Excellent food and excellent service.

One of our group suggested “the one with the blue lights in the window” as he had been here before and had enjoyed it.  That was enough for us and off we trotted like Dorothy and her disfunctional friends on the yellow brick road except we were 8 pissed twats in search of curry as opposed to fictional wizards who aren’t actually wizards in the end anyway.  At least we don’t have to fight witches and we all ended up with a marvellous spread in front of us.  Everyone is a winner.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – First off they didn’t bring enough poppadoms.  We just asked vaguely for poppadoms without mentioning exact numbers.  A mistake.  I employ a method not dissimilar to that used when deciding how many tea bags to use in a teapot.  One for each drinker and one for the pot.  Subsequently, if there were eight of us we should be getting nine poppadoms at the very least.  Double figures wouldn’t hurt at a push.  That being said, the mixed pickle they served was lovely and hot.  The mango chutney was serviceable, as was the minty raita and the onion salad.  A good solid start

Beers – Our waiter was fantastic.  He had 3 or 4 different beers to offer and even rated them in order of strength for the ladies in our party.  I stopped listening as soon as he told us they had the Cobra 660ml.  No need to listen any further.

Sides – Our party of 8 ordered several sides and all were above average although the Sag Aloo didn’t spoil me for eternity, forever harping back to that wondrous night at The Monsoon.

Curries – I left my choice in the hands of our helpful waiter.  My stipulations were that the curry had to have a thick, deep sauce and had to be hot.  He suggested a lamb something.  I really wish I could remember the exact name as it was a big winner and ticked all my boxes but that is what happens when you have 4 beers and 2 sambucas before you sit down and eat.  Shame on me.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Another winner where The Monsoon is concerned.  I asked for a hot curry and was told it would be slightly hotter than a madras and guess what?  It was.  As sciences go, this one is remarkably simple which is surprising seeing as so many curry houses cock it up.

Face Towels – Let us say that a hand made egyptian brushed cotton towelling face towel that was heated to ambient temperature with the River Styx and scented subtly with various citrus fruits came in at a 10.  Let us also say that a ripped kitchen towel chucked in your face is a 1.  The Monsoon scores a 3 out of ten for wankily insipid pre wrapped towels that are a step up from the freebies you get at service station cafe.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – A plate of semi refrigerated after eights.  Lazy stuff

Price – We stuffed our faces and the bill was around £20 a head.  Perfect

Final Score – 8 out of 10.  I would definitely go back at some point which is saying something as there must be in the region of 50 curry houses within walking distance of The Monsoon.  I did find this review of The Monsson online that made me stop and think though.  “DO NOT GO HERE. i was at brick lane for the festival on the weekend. decided to go here for a quiet curry with friends. we noticed a table of guys nearby telling their waiter that he had added their bill up wrong. he started shouting -a bit unreasonable. and then walked off. the guys stayed and waited for him to return. they were obviously willing to pay. then before we knew it the waiter returned with the kitchen staff and the rest of the waiters and started beating these guys up. it was incredibly violent. we watched the whole event. i was disgusted. i will never return here again. i recommend that no one does the same. couldnt tell you about the food. no surprise we didnt stay to find out” I really wish I was there to see that

One Sentence Summary – Never query your fucking bill at The Monsoon unless you want an Indian version of the Royal Rumble on your arse.

Tandoori Nights sounds like a shitty film from 80′s Bollywood.  I’m not particularly qualified to comment on the quality of Bollywood movies from any age but the name evokes an Indian Tom Cruise clone with the biggest bouffant hairstyle ever recorded.  His shirt open and sweat glistening from his intensely hairy chest while he holds a scantily clad, swooning Indian beauty with one arm and fighting off a brace of tigers with the other.

As soon as you enter the curry house, a long dining room stretches away from you and a small but well stocked bar sits just inside the entrance with a diligent looking barman in a crisp white shirt, waistcoat and bow tie, polishing glasses as if his life depended on it.  I smiled approvingly and sat down.  Our table had one leg shorter than the other three and wobbled annoyingly and the menu was written for the layman and I don’t understand why.  Many dishes were named not by their Indian name but described in the equivalent English.  We  know about our curries on this island.  The average man on the street could instantly tell you the difference between a Brinjal Bhaji and a Methi Murgh.  The simplification simply isn’t necessary and is certainly unwelcome.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – The poppadoms were presented to us within 2 minutes of asking for them.  I was surprised to find them warm, fresh and crisp.  Very nice.  Unfortunately, only three pickles were offered and it was a  real shame when the one missing was the mixed pickle.  My favourite.  The minty raita was insipid yet that is relatively commonplace.  The mango chutney was overly sweet yet tasty and the onion salad was as good as an onion salad could be.  You’re not exactly going to write home about it but I couldn’t find fault.

Beers – Cobra 660ml.  As cold as they should be served.  This is the simplest of all my criteria to fulfil and subsequently the one that drops the most points if not present.  No worries here though.

Sides – The potato and spinach bhaji (Sag Aloo for every single other person in this country who has ever been to a curry house.  Everyone then) was decent enough.  Soft potato with enough spinach and spices to hold your interest.

Curries – When there is nothing new on a menu in front of me, I will always fall back onto the ever faithful Madras.  It was almost perfect here.  The lamb was well cooked and the sauce was deep and rich with enough heat to make itself known without masking everything else.  Very good.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – I don’t like to judge this on a single visit.  All I can say is that I ordered a semi hot curry and got one.  All looks good so far though.

Face Towels – My second curry house in a week without face towels.  I’m not fucking happy.  This restaurant had very little Indian styling, a menu that was written for idiotic foreigners and NO FUCKING FACE TOWELS.  A message to the proprietor of Tandoori Nights (and I will send this review to him/her) : I would kindly point out that many dishes on your ridiculously dumbed down menu are packed with chilli powder.  It is July.  I eat a hot curry in July and there will be some perspiration at some point.  I saw maybe 30 seats in your curry house.  That means the small purchase of 30 face towels would not only not dent your pocket, it would leave your punters leaving feeling refreshed and calm having been part of a near perfect experience.  Your laziness here is noted.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – After the face towel fiasco, I was keen to see if they could repair some of my despondency with something special here.  A warm after eight mint on a plate.  I purposefully put mine in my mouth, chewed it once and then placed it back on the plate.  A protest.

Final Score – 7 out of 10.  Tandoori Nights is a good restaurant.  The food is way above average which of course is the most important thing but it would be ridiculously easy to get that score up to at least 8.5.  I find that the most annoying thing.  Utterly infuriating.

One Sentence Summary – This is the perfect curry house for take away.

Chowki was a surprise when I first came upon it. I’d never heard of it before and while Denman Street is relatively tucked away, it is right in the midst of Shaftesbury Avenue, Regent Street and Piccadilly so must have plenty of traffic flowing through it. It’s a good location for a curry house.

It proudly proclaims that the food is homestyle cooking and it isn’t one of those massive restaurants that you know fucks up quality to pay too much homage to quantity.  All looked good and interesting.

In we went and my first impressions were that it looked like a burger joint inside.  Plastic moulded chairs and long bench style tables lay across the room.  It has a rather high ceiling and was very well lit.  Maybe it was because we were the only customers in there at the time but everything seemed fake and it looked suspiciously like a chain restaurant.  I’m not a fan of chain restaurants.  You need to have your finger on the local pulse to make a great place that people want to visit again and again.  If Chowki has its finger on the pulse, it’s dancing to a foreign beat and it looks just like your dad on the dance floor after a few sherries.  You’re smiling but slightly disappointed.

This is a semi decent attempt at the kind of restaurant that seats you on communal benches and aims to get you fed, watered and out the door within 30 minutes.  Too much plastic everywhere though.  Where are the heavily cushioned boothes surrounded by murals of blue skinned naked Indian goddesses?  Where is the dodgy Indian Muzak playing “Walk Like An Egyptian” on Sitar?  Where are the cheesy smiles behind an abundance of bouffant hair, moustaches and black bow ties?  I think as I get older I welcome change less.  I want this place to be so shit that it goes 360 on the wheel of shite and comes out the other side as the perfect blend of great food, crap décor and slightly sticky carpets…

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – If McDonald’s ever went into the mass production and sale of curries, this is what their poppadoms would taste like.  The pickles and relishes taste slightly processed yet strangely moreish.

Beers – Cobra 660ml.  Cold and fresh, lending a warm cloak of familiarity to otherwise slightly austere proceedings.

Sides – They try to encompass many flavours of India here without going into too much depth in terms of your selection.  Subsequently many of the dishes lose something.  Nothing really grabbed me on the menu and my choice was so forgettable that I have forgotten it.

Curries – Not bad.  Portions were a little small but yet again you get the feeling that the food is made elsewhere and heated up in a microwave.  I’m sure that’s not the case but I bet the chef isn’t even a native of the sub continent.  If your skin isn’t brown, I don’t want you cooking my curries.  Call me old fashioned if you like but the same goes for dentists and doctors.  If you’re not Indian, I’m not interested.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – I asked for the Lal Mass which looked interesting.  It wasn’t.  I wish I could elaborate a little but I’m reaching for the memory through a foggy sea it would take 100 of the worlds finest psychotherapists several months to pierce.   It was that remarkable.

Face Towels – If I had asked for a platter of golden marbles, carefully placed to form a pyramid 25 layers high, it would have been because I was so incensed at there being no towels that I began to hallucinate.  I feel like an old man reminiscing back through the years into hazy memory when I spy a young lad and tell him warm and wistful stories of gloriously white heavy towelling, draped over your face and infusing your very being with the delightful scent of fresh lemons.  This is the Werthers Originals of my generation.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – There are these 2 nuns in the bath.  One turns to the other and says

“Where’s the soap?”

And the other nun says

“I haven’t got a clue but do you remember when they used to give you a little sliver of chilled chocolate with your bill back in the old days?”

And gets in reply

“Oh, there it is.  You’ve sat on it and it’s halfway up your sponge”

Shameful.

Price – Prices vary quite wildly on the dishes.  Poppadoms, 2 Cobra 660ml, 2 curries and 1 side came in around £40.

Final Score – 6 out of 10.  I’m going to revisit soon and see if it is still as shit as I remember.

One Sentence Summary – If you love your ipod, your macbook and you have a quirky haircut, you’ll love this place.

So Taste of Spice it was.

The name speaks of laziness to me.  Far too generic sounding and this is the sort of thing you would expect to see in a suburban town, serving up the kind of food that might be enjoyable enough yet somehow instantly forgettable.  There was a framed certificate from The Good Curry Guide in the window but I’ve had my fingers burnt with that kind of thing in the past.  I haven’t forgiven, and probably never will, Connoisseurs Indian Tandoori for their elegantly framed lies.  I’m like a battered wife who keeps on coming back after having sweet promises whispered in my ear. “They wouldn’t lie to me right?”.

So, draping myself in a cloak of suspiciousness I stepped inside.  Only 5 or 6 tables in a very small dimly lit room that seemed to have a low ceilinged and very close feel to it.  A typically well stocked bar at one end of the room is always a comfort to be greeted with even if you don’t drink.  They seem to know their business and I am willing to suggest that this curry house hasn’t changed much in the last 10 or 20 years.  Surrounded on all sides by establishments who have all speculated to hopefully accumulate.  Be they restaurants, bars, shops or even clubs, this part of London used to have an excitingly seedy feel to it.  4 or 5 streets leading south from Oxford Street that used to be the closest thing us Londoners had to a dodgy Dr Seuss book.  Winding staircases to hidden bars.  Sex shops with bead curtains offering the odd glimpse of massive dildos hanging on the walls and surprised looking inflatable plastic women with vicious looking seams.  Great restaurants and on summer nights you’ll see the pavement thronged with people in a rush to get drunk and look for some fun.  It has changed a lot recently but still retains a certain charm.

Taste of Spice is like a step back in time.  You could easily be forgiven for expecting to see various pretentious nobs leaving the wine bars with their filofaxes and mobile phones that needed a carry along briefcase to house its battery.  I quite like it in an “I’d fucking hate it if I were actually there but its all rather nostalgic” kind of way.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles -  3 of our poppadoms were fresh and crispy.  The 4th was obviously chucked in between them in an obvious ploy to get rid of one of last nights leftovers.  We were offered a fantastic mixed pickle, a fresh onion salad and the usual mango chutney.  No raita.  I usually leave that minty nonsense well alone but this is like the curry house version of the Holy Trinity.  Except with chutneys and poppadoms.  Don’t mess with the beautiful equilibrium.  You want to know what happened to that Air France plane that blew up a few hours after take off from Brazil recently?  That’s right.  They forgot to serve a fourth option and it caused some serious shenanigans with forces I’m not intelligent enough to understand yet am well aware are far more powerful that anything I can comprehend.  Don’t do it kids.

Beers – We asked for 2 large Cobras and were offered 2 small bottles poured into a pint glass.  Same thing I suppose but not really.  I swear a failed mathematician owns this restaurant.  One of my two smaller bottles was not sufficiently chilled as well.  Pissed me right off.  I think I was just unlucky though as all other beers ordered were chillier than a January morning stroll in the highlands of Scotland.

Sides – Sag Aloo was well cooked yet unremarkable.  I’m not knocking them as they did the trick but it wasn’t their stand out dish.

Curries – These were great.  Their menu had many different curries to choose from but I was in a no nonsense mood and so ordered the Madras.  Lovely thick sauce with a heat that crept up on you.  I’m definitely going to come back here again and sample something more adventurous.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Another one that shall be put to the test on my next visit.  The Madras was supposed to be hot and was.  All good.

Face Towels – Non existent.  I was a little shocked and when asked if they had any face towels the waiter looked a little embarrassed as he told us they didn’t.  That’ll be the failed mathematician at work again.  A small investment in quality white towelling could leave the punters that bit happier.  It put a downer on it all really.  It was the main reason I left writing this until the next day.  It took 24 hours, 3 more beers, 5 whiskies and some toast this morning to get over it.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – A small chilled chocolate square with a silver wrapper emblazoned with the name of the restaurant.  After curry chocolates usually go one of two ways.  Mint or orange.  These were mint and I’m an orange man.  After the disappointment of the face towels I was kind of expecting it.

Price – 4 poppadoms, 6 cobra 330ml, 2 curries, 2 pilau rice 1 Sag Aloo and a Naan bread cost £39.  Very impressed with that as it is 2 small cobras and 1 naan more than we usually order yet it still cost quite a bit less than most other curry houses round here.  Great effort.

Final Score – 8 out of 10.  The price won me round at the end but with the addition of a few minor things, I could see Taste of Spice getting an 8.5.  A very respectful score

One Sentence of Summary – It’s always nice to find a new place that you would be happy to visit again.

I used to visit Paddington on a semi regular basis and my regular partner in curry there enjoyed a good korma (yes, his sexual preference is under full investigation).  Our usual venue, the Indus Delta, closed temporarily for refurbishment and we needed somewhere new to visit.  I had a little look around and was instantly impressed by the accreditations and awards listed in the window of this place.  This looked like a true hidden gem.  Curry house of the year on more than one occasion.  In fact, according to themselves, they had only missed out on twice in eleven years on that most distinguished of prizes.  This was a must visit it seemed.

In we went.  Nothing too spectacular to look at but I can see past all that.  We sat down, ordered our poppadoms and beers before our bums had touched our seats, naturally, and took a look at the menu.  Alarm bells should have started to ring there and then.  No cheap plastic laminate, just a wonky, badly photocopied sheet of paper.  I felt like I was sitting in an old and unknown relatives front room.  Not comfortable at all and everything seemed to echo in an eerie fashion.  Still, according to themselves, this curry was going to knock me into the middle of next week and keep me coming back like a crackhead looking for his fix.  All fine by me.

The waiter who served us looked like he’d just been in a fight and lost.  He was scruffier than an old fashioned tramp and smelt worse.  Oh dear.  It got no better throughout the meal and I did wonder if it was our curries that had given our surly scruffed up waiter a good shoeing.  They looked a little tired too.  The sheer indignity of being served in this dump would do that to even the finest Lamb Bhuna.  This was, and still is,  the only curry house I’ve left feeling angry and impotent and had the pleasure of paying for it.  Lucky me.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Bad.  Cold and chewy.  The mango chutney looked and tasted like burger sauce from your local kebab house.  The onion salad fared no better.  Have you ever seen a brown onion?  I have

Beers – Cobra 660ml was present.  None too cold though

Sides – Awful.  How can you fuck up Sag Aloo?  If you ever visit Connoissers, ask them and let me know.  I’m genuinely interested.  It takes real talent to make food taste that evil and ill intentioned.

Curries – I swear the sauce was from a tin.  My madras was so plastic tasting it could have been served in a northern chip shop as curry sauce.  I needed counselling after this you know.  The things I do for you guys.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Lamer than a horse that has been forced to walk through a field full of bear traps.

Face Towels – The last time I felt this insulted it involved myself, a naked clown, a picture of the pope, three bottles of chilled meths and a damning newspaper expose.  This KFC style face towel was so old that when I opened its vacuum sealing, I swear I could hear the distant cries of Indian oppression at the hands of the despotic British of yesteryear.  Now, I love all things Indian but in this place it almost sounded good.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – Can’t remember, sorry.  It was a traumatic experience.  I am looking down at my feet and squirming a little if that helps.

Price – Wrong, wrong, wrong.  4 poppadoms, 2 cobra 660ml, 2 curries and 1 Sag Aloo came in at over £45.  An absolute liberty when everything was as poor as it was.  They hadn’t even bothered to chill the cobras properly.

Final Score – 1 out of 10.  In the same way that I’m not giving Gaylord a perfect 10 yet as my experince is incomplete, I’m not giving Connoisseurs a big fat zero.  There could be worse although I very much doubt it.

One Sentence Summary – DO NOT EAT HERE

I’ve only been here once and so can’t give the most detailed of reviews but it is a place I would definitely revisit.

As I mentioned before, it isn’t based on Smithfield Market where everything seems to happen round these parts.   Farringdon Street isn’t the kind of place you’d go to before you hit one of the many clubs in the area, the lights aren’t quite as bright and so many wouldn’t find it.  The main drag leads on towards the city proper at Liverpool Street where many great curry houses lie in wait but for a small portion of the journey, you may as well be in purgatory in terms of finding a good place to relax.

As you walk in you are confronted with a low ceilinged dining room split into irregular shapes.  Depending on where you’re sitting you could be fooled into thinking this was the tiniest of places.  It is also quite dark and dingy inside but as everything seems clean and fresh, that doesn’t come across in a bad way at all.  Quite intimate really and the friendly wait staff that were smiling all the while made this welcoming rather than intimidating.  If you ever find yourself round these parts, The City Raj is worth a small detour if you want that old fashioned experience as opposed to the bright lights and funky crowd of the Smithfield Tandoori which I have reviewed earlier.

On my visit here we had a conversation more suited to a bunch of 7 year olds with a couple of 50 year old guys who worked in finance somehow, sitting at the table just across from us.  They were regulars and told us that it was their favourite curry house round these parts and they had worked here or hereabouts for many years.  Just the kind of accreditation I take notice of.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Freshly prepared, light and crispy.  Everything you want to see in a poppadom.  The pickles and chutneys are good too.  I’m not the biggest fan of the minty raita and this place was no different.  Considering we’re here to eat curry and have such big flavours dominate, the bland insipisness of the raita was not particular to this place so I wouldn’t hold that against them specifically. Still, come on guys, it’s a whole lot more than yoghurt with some mint sauce chucked in.

Beers – Cobra 660ml.  Colder than an ex girlfriend after being told you never really loved her and more vengeful than her mother on hearing the tale from her poor slighted baby.

Sides – Straight forward and good enough for me.  The Sag Aloo was great.  The Sag was soft and delicatley spiced and the Aloo almost melted in your mouth and made you hunger for another big swig of your Cobra.

Curries – I went for the Lamb Madras here.  It really is surprising how very diverse the same dish can taste in different restaurants.  Some stray so far from the tried and trusted formula it could easily be something else completely.  Not here though.  Not trying to be clever and that is just perfect.  Heavy with the spices and thick enough to be served by McDonald’s in milkshake form.  I’d definitely try that if they ever decided to branch out by the way.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – I asked for the madras to be a little hotter, as usual, and they did the job.  Good stuff.

Face Towels – Crisp, clean and white.  Hot, lemony and marvellous.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – I forget what they offered me here in the way of a digestif.  I was quite wasted at the time though after an hour and a half of childish jokes and too many cobras with the old finance types at the next table.  Apologies.  I feel slightly deficient now if that is any consolation

Price – This place could afford to charge the customers a little more.  It’s not going to win any awards but it was very cheap so I was impressed.  4 poppadoms, 4 cobra 660ml, 2 curries and 1 Sag Aloo came in at £50.  Considering we had an extra 2 Cobras here that represents really good value

Final Score – 7.5 out of 10.  Ordinarily, this place would earn a 6 but I had fun here and the price was impressive.  Too many places in Farringdon have decided to add a 20% surcharge to the bill purely because it is considered to be a cool and happening place in the last few years.  Anywhere that doesn’t should be commended.

One Sentence Summary – I reckon this place would be great fun if you were half cut on a Friday evening and feeling hungry

Sartaj lies between Holborn and Covent Garden proper in Earlham Street which has a vibrant street market running through it.  Two flower stalls lie directly outside the curry house so you’re drawn through the sweet bouquet of freshly cut flowers and enticingly into the deeper aroma of heavy spice.  An intriguing beginning to your adventure

First impressions were that it looked clean and tidy.  There was no white tablecloth which was a bit of a surprise.  I only noticed this as my regular partner in curry and I play a little game whenever we visit a curry house.  Almost everything served in a curry house has the ability to stain any fabric it touches for eternity.  So, the first person who manages to drop anything on the tablecloth loses.  It’s not like we keep score religiously or anything but i’m 4-1 up at the moment.

We were the only customers in for lunch and that’s never the best thing but I do realise that for many, curry is an evening meal.  There also seemed to be thousands of waiters mooching around and none of them were exactly dressed for business.  Jeans and trainers seemed to be the order of the day.  Call me old fashioned but when you bring me my Lamb Pathia and Mathir Paneer I want to see you in a bow tie and crisp white shirt.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Poppadoms were not prepared fresh and ours were slightly chewy and cold.  The four classic pickles were present although onion salad aside, they all came from a jar.  The mixed pickle was Pataks.  I’d know that shit from 100 paces with a clothes peg on my nose and blindfolded as if I was being led through mountainous passes by the Taliban.  The mango chutney was bright red and over sweet and the mint raita was neither minty or a raita.  It was definitely intended to be but failed so miserably that I had a little word with it and convinced it to go to college and make something more of its life.  At least one of us got something out of my visit here.

Beers – Cobra 660ml but not cold enough.  A crime of titanic proportions.  It’s like putting diesel in your Bentley.  I can tell you right now that this knocked 2 points straight off their final score.  The fools

Sides – The Sag Aloo looked bog standard but had a mountain of garlic in which gave it an unusual if not unpleasant taste.  I was quite impressed.

Curries – None too fresh.  The meat looked and tasted tired.  I’m pretty sure it had seen the inside of a microwave recently and was blander than a 4 hour drink with a bunch of accountants.  Really quite poor.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – I ordered a Jalfrezi and wanted it hotter.  It was definitely sufficient.  The heat from the chillis was a slow burner but concluded nicely in a solid burning.

Face Towels – Shocking effort.  No fucking towels or wipes at all.  They just didn’t arrive.  I was going to say something but didn’t trust myself to keep it civil.  If I was American, I would have shot all of them.  “Enraged Curry House Customer In “No Face Towel” carnage” – Seven Dead”

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – A warm after eight.  That was it.  I can honestly say that I would rather they spat in my face and called me names.

Price – 5 poppadoms, 2 cobra 660ml, 2 curries and 1 Sag Aloo cost £42.  Too much considering I could cook this way better myself and i’ve never been to bloody Kashmir.

Final Score – 5.5 out of 10.  A really lazy effort pretty much across the board.  I definitely will not be coming back here

One Sentence Summary – Pretty shitty

Malabar claims to be unique.  Apparently it is the first upmarket southern Indian restaurant in the UK.  I’m in no position to confirm or deny that but by the time I have rated all 8,500 curry houses in London I will have a better idea.  If you are really interested in the answer, come back to me in about 25 years when I’m done.

Situated in Bloomsbury, Malabar Junction enjoys plenty of passing trade.  It is the least likely looking curry house once you are inside.  A huge domed skylight dominates the entire room making everything light and airy.   I can’t help but to think the decor would be better suited to a Hawaiian themed restaurant.  It is all rather surreal.    Even after eating here a couple of times,  i’m still undecided.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – As you would wish to find them but with a slightly different variation.  The classics are all provided and it is off to a good if unspectacular start

Beers – Cobra on tap!  If this were the FA Cup final, Malabar Junction would be 2 up after 10 minutes.

Sides – This is where it all started to fall down a bit.   Despite the fact that many starters contained the word chilli, I reckon I could have successfully challenged them in court over that claim.  I would have wanted compensation for hurt feelings and a wasted curry.   £50 for hurt feelings and £20,000 for a wasted curry.  This is serious business.

Curries – I ordered the vindaloo and barely broke a sweat.   That’s a huge crime in my book.  Mahoosive.  Well cooked though, just not spicy.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Non existant.  Like morals in the house of commons.  Shocking effort really.

Face Towels – Why do some restaurants pre seal their towels in those little thin plastic bags?  Is this to fool the customer into some sort of fake uber cleanliness nonsense?  If it is it isn’t working, besides, the towel was warm.  Just warm.  If they had mispelled the word towel as w-r-o-n-g it couldn’t have been more inaccurate.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – I looked everywhere for it.  Under the bill itself, under the dish the bill was presented on, I even checked in the waiters pockets in the mistaken belief that he had stolen it for himself.  There was no chocolate.  Maybe this was a Hawaiian restaurant that served some Indian sounding dishes?  I’m still not sure.

Price - 4 poppadoms, 2 pints of Cobra, 2 curries and 1 side will come in around £55/60.  This was where the upmarket bit in their blurb came into it.  Add £20 to the bill basically.  Arse

Final Score – 7 out of 10.  They do their best.  This isn’t a lazy place, they’re not cutting corners or anything it just isn’t anything to shout about.

One Sentence Summary – If you want to try southern Indian food, make sure it isn’t here or you’ll never try it again

On my daily walk to work I used to pass the Heath Food Centre every morning.  It had absolutely nothing that interested me.  The fliers in the window led me to believe that the proprietor owned far too many cats and probably lived in a subterranean cave somewhere to be closer to the crystals.  Man.  Then one day something happened.  What was that smell and where was it coming from?  I was entranced by the undeniably enticing aroma of superb Indian cooking.  At 7:30 in the morning!  Lords curry house was only 100 yards away but it wasn’t coming from that direction, it was the Health Food Store.   I was a little shocked.  What was this all about?

I’m guessing business may have been down or something or maybe the shop had changed hands.  I wouldn’t know either as I had never previously been in there.  What I do know is that they opened a little counter at the back that sold maybe 4 or 5 different curries.  Vegan curries.  If I had kept your interest up until that point I now know I’m talking to an empty room.  Don’t get me wrong, I happen to be of the opinion that the humble curry lends itself quite majestically to vegetarian cooking but vegan anything gets me a little twitchy.  It speaks almost of politics and gives visual images of the unwashed and white people with dreadlocks.  All three subjects to be studiously avoided when  attempting to digest your Murgh Methi Masala.

I was dragged there by a colleague about 3 years ago for lunch.  They had no tables and we got our order to take away.  I was very pleasantly surprised to find it tasted quite magnificent.  I was an instant convert although I still don’t like white people with dreadlocks.  It just looks wrong.

This will be a tame finish to one of my reviews as there really is no specific criterion to rate this place on.  They sell no poppadoms, they definitely don’t sell any beer or offer you a brilliant white face towel after your meal.  Their small selection of dishes change all the time and so I can’t even tell you about their specific curries.  All I can say is if you like your curry and you happen to find yourself in Warren Street when your stomach is grumbling, you could do a hell of a lot worse than just nipping in here for a little taste of what they have to offer.  Whoever cooks these curries is a real expert.  I just hope they use a hairnet.

This is the best everyday curry house that I have ever come across.  Supremely friendly wait staff that are always smiling, fantastic food and never that busy that they can’t find you a table at short notice.  I eat here so often they gave me a three foot christmas card last year.  Brilliant.  I was touched.  I cried chilli infused tears it was that moving.

Most times I come here I see the same old faces eating the excellent curries on offer.    I would hazard a guess that 70% of customers are regulars here and that is a great sign.  Shikara is relatively unknown among the crowds that move in Fitzrovia.  I have no idea why either.  Great Titchfield Street is a busy street and Shikara is surrounded by Italian and Turkish restaurants that seem to get way more custom than they do.  I feel a little sorry for the proprietor to be honest.  He should be way richer than he is.

It’s pretty enough inside and always looks very clean and tidy but this is a no nonsense establishment.   Everything is as it should be.  No over complication and you just know that they are secure in the knowledge that their food is excellent.  This is an excellent curry house.  I honestly can’t praise it enough.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Top notch.  Crispy and light.  The pickles are fantastic, especially the mixed pickle which is something special.

Beers – Cobra 660ml and for some reason it tastes better here than anywhere else.  Don’t ask me why as I haven’t got a scooby.

Sides – All brilliant.  No frills to be seen here either.  Just pure unadulterated taste

Curries – A reasonable selection yet everything is great.  Sauces are thick and full of depth.  Not a dodgy choice to be had here and I know because I’ve tried them all.  More than once.  Superb.  If you’re feeling brave, go for the Bangalore Phaal.  The waiter told us that he was scared of it when we ordered it.  Nearly put me out of action but I would have died with a smile on my face and an arsehole that looked like Don King disappearing into quicksand

Vindictiveness of Waiters – As mentioned above, they will give you fair warning if they say they are going to make it hot.  Good lads.

Face Towels – Quality towelling, hotter than the direct centre of the sun and more lemony than the mess left over from a nuclear strike on Sicily.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – A single square of orange chocolate, perfectly chilled.  Marvellous

Price – 4 poppadoms, 2 cobra 660ml, 2 curries and 1 Sag Aloo will come in around £45.  Brilliant value as I’d pay another tenner on top of that and still be happy.  Shhhh, don’t tell them.

Final Score – 8.8 out of 10.  I would give it a 9 but Gaylord just pips it.

One Sentence Summary – One of my all time favourites and I’m sure it will be yours too if you pay them a visit.

It has recently been renovated and while it now looks clean and fresh, it has managed to keep its head at least half way out of its arse.  Easy to fall into that trap and end up down a hole covered in Chana Massala.  You still have a menu big enough to provide sufficient choice yet small enough to ensure the chef doesn’t imagine himself to be on an Indian version of Ready, Steady, Cook.  In fact, as I said earlier, all the ingredients are here for this to be a stand out curry house.  I should be thinking of this place whenever I’ve had a few and we’re all hungry.  I usually end up drinking round here at least twice a week.  They should be sick of the sight of me.  I’ve only been twice.  That says a lot.

It doesn’t help that the wait staff are the most impatient bunch I have ever experienced.  Won’t leave you alone.  As soon as you sit down they’re looking for you to eat up and get the fuck out.  I would usually say something but have a cast iron rule in restaurants.  Don’t piss the waiter off until he has brought you your last dish.  I’ve seen what happens to rude customers food in a kitchen.  Been party to it a few times as well.  Just not worth the hassle.

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Actually rather good here.  Light, crisp and airy.  Mango chutney was good.  As was the mixed pickle, the minty raita and the onion salad.  All looked fresh and were tasty

Beers – Cobra 660ml.  Almost a fiver for 1 bottle though.  Taking the piss really.

Sides – Bog standard yet acceptable.  Nothing to surprise you here at all.

Curries – For some reason, the chef loves to make a sweet curry.  If you’re into that then fine.  I’m not.

Vindictiveness of Waiters – Pretty decent with the chillies.  They know the mantra:  See a drunk white man, add some chillies.

Face Towels – Cheap and nasty looking.  Not that warm.  Lazy.  D -

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – Small chocolate square, individually wrapped.  Not too bad

Price – I can see them now.  Sitting around a room discussing that when they do the place up they can charge even more and act like biggers wankers.  4 poppadoms, 2 Cobra 660ml, 2 curries, 1 Sag Aloo will come in around £50.  That’s about £15 too much

Final Score – I’m not really sure what they’ve done to piss me off but I’m sure they have somewhere down the line.  6.5 out of 10.  At a push

One Sentence Summary – The Curry Leaf that they wiped their arse on first

I’m of the opinion that Lords falls squarely between the two camps.  When you walk in you’ll see a few cubbyhole booths and a smattering of tables in the middle of the dining room.  Despite two of the exterior walls being made up of floor to ceiling windows,  Lords magically manages to still seem dingy.  A rather shoddy paint job on the walls probably contributes a little to this but the tired looking furniture, and the equally weary looking wait staff, make a considerable contribution as well.

The menu throws up no surprises but if I’ve learnt one thing it’s not to judge a book (curry house) by its cover (decor and menu).  Many’s the time I’ve walked into a dive, drawn by my nose to the smell of garam masala, garlic and cardamom and walked out fulfilled and contented.  The price doesn’t really come into it either as I tend to lean towards the cheaper curry house.  Not because I’m a tight Jewish bastard (I am Jewish but i’m not a bastard), but because I know that the perfect curry is made up of relatively cheap ingredients.  Anything more than a tenner a dish and I know i’m paying a tax on the swanky decor.   Function over form where food is concerned.

Lords do an all you can eat buffet during lunchtimes.  £6.95 and you get the choice of 4 or 5 dishes that perfectly soak up any hangover.  This is your Indian greasy spoon.  You wouldn’t take your mum there for her 60th birthday but it definitely has its place and serves its purpose rather well.  I shouldn’t really like Lords but I do.  It’s like walking back in time to 70′s London where there were umpteen shades of brown everywhere and everything was slightly pallid.  I’m doing a great job of convincing you here aren’t I…

Ratings

Poppadoms and Pickles – Not the best in the world but definitely sufficient.  The mango chutney appeared to be more pissed off than the waiter who looked like an extra from an Bollywood production of Michael Jacksons Thriller.

Beers – Woeful.  They have draft beer but it’s all insipid stuff.  No Cobra but you could just about stand the insult as they have Kingfisher 660ml.  You have been warned.

Sides – You have all the usual suspects including the sag aloo which provided a little comfort

Curries – The lamb madras is quite good here and i’m told the chicken jalfrezi does the trick too.  Good thick sauces

Vindictiveness of Waiters – No need to tell these bastards twice.  A solidly hot dish and when I asked them to make it a little hotter they even brought me a little side dish of sliced chillies.  A nice touch.  These are doughty men that you know wrestle tigers at the weekend for a bit of fun so a little bit of heat to a dish is a walk in the park.  Or the jungle.

Face Towels – Disposable wet wipe in a dodgy looking silver wrapper.  Fucking wrong.  It wasn’t even hot.

Complimentary Chocolate With the Bill – An after eight that they had just pulled out of the freezer.  I swear I was sucking on that little bastard for 20 minutes.  Another fucking liberty.

Price – 4 poppadoms, 2 Kingfisher 660ml, 2 curries, 2 pilau rice and a sag aloo came in at £35.  Proper cheap considering it is in W1 but the almost unbelievably poor showing with the face towels and chocolate makes this a reasonalble price.

Final Score – 6.5 out of 10 if you don’t have a hangover and 7.5 if you do.

One Sentence Summary – Bring your own Cobra.